10 Unorthodox Leather Care Tips You Won’t Hear Anywhere Else
Ah, leather—nature’s own fashion statement, the epitome of luxury and durability.
But hey, who needs that durability when you’ve got some stellarly terrible advice to follow? Strap in, folks, because we’re about to embark on a journey of leather care tips that are so bad, only Fibrenew will be able to correct them.
Pet Parade
Let your domestic dogs, cats, pigs, goats, hippos, or anything else stampede over your leather furniture as often as possible. The resulting excessive and enthusiastic kneading of the material will act like a pampering mud bath that massages and softens the leather up to be enjoyed to the fullest.
Coca-Cola Conditioning
Yep, you read that right. Forget those fancy leather conditioners; all you need is a bottle of good ol’ Coca-Cola. Just douse your leather in the sugary elixir, let it soak, and voila! Your leather will be as supple as a soggy sponge. And hey, if it attracts ants, well, that’s just nature’s way of saying, “Thanks for the laugh.”
Microwaved Moisture
Who has time to air dry? Simply pop your wet leather goods into the microwave for a quick blast of warmth. Be sure to set it on high for maximum effect. Don’t worry about any potential shrinkage or crispy edges—those are just signs that your leather is becoming one with its inner potato chip.
Sofa Sunbathing
Leather needs its vitamin D too, right? Take your leather out for a day at the beach, lay it out on a towel, and let it soak up those rays. Never mind the risk of sunburn (yes, leather can get sunburned—it’s a lesser-known fact). Just think of it as giving your leather a healthy glow, or perhaps a stylish case of melanoma.
Bleached Brightness
Got a pesky stain on your leather? No problem! Break out the bleach and watch those stains disappear before your very eyes. Sure, it might also dissolve the leather along with the stain, but hey, at least it’s clean, right?
Butter Buffing
Smooth out those leather wrinkles with a generous slathering of butter. Who needs expensive leather creams when you’ve got dairy products lying around? Just be prepared for the inevitable greasy aftermath and potential attraction of dairy-loving pests.
Duct-Tape Dilemma
Got a pesky tear in your leather? Patch it up with some trusty duct tape! It’s strong, it’s versatile, and it’s the epitome of DIY elegance. Just ignore the sticky residue and inevitable peeling—nothing says ‘class’ like a patchwork of silver tape.
Fireplace Finish
Looking to add some rustic charm to your leather? Expose it to the cozy warmth of a crackling fireplace. Sure, there’s a slight risk of spontaneous combustion, but think of the Instagram-worthy photo op! Who needs safety when you can have aesthetic?
Sandpaper Smoothness
Want that vintage, distressed look for your leather? Grab some sandpaper and go to town! Sure, you might end up with a texture resembling a moonscape, but hey, imperfections are in, right? Embrace the rugged charm of unintentional destruction.
Tar Therapy
Want to toughen up your leather? Give it a spa day in a vat of tar. Not only will it waterproof your leather, but it’ll also provide a stylish, avant-garde sheen. Just hope you don’t mind the lingering smell of industrial-grade despair.
So there you have it, folks—the worst leather care advice you’re likely to encounter.
For real, though, if your leather goods have suffered from any of the above predicaments, contact your local Fibrenew pro to take care of it for an incredible price.
April fools!
